forgiveness

ick. actually, this deserves my "double ick" rating. not a favorite subject, and certainly not a comfortable one to talk about. forgiveness is a weird thing. it depends on what it's for, who's involved. there's no hard and fast rule.

the older we get, hopefully the better we know the whens, whys and hows of forgiveness. more importantly, the ability to sense when forgiveness is no longer what's really indicated. when just letting something go is so much more healing than hanging on and waiting for something that may or may not ever happen.

of course sally figures into this, as she does so many things. i spent the first 21 years of my life waiting to say so much to her, to tell her so many things. i used to lie in bed at night and just think of how to say how much i missed her, loved her, needed her. forgiveness was always a given from me to her before i met her. i truly believed that she loved me.

since meeting her, i've spent the last 20 years being pissed off, angry, unforgiving and incensed when it comes to anything surrounding the topic of her. she has proven over and over that she no longer deserves my forgiveness, but i still sit here and wish she would work herself to death trying to get it, but she's not going to. i'm finally ready to accept that, and it's really freeing.

forgiveness has always been pretty easy for me, which may not always be a good thing. but for right now, i'm glad to have taken the long road to this place instead of cheating my way around it. that would have been much simpler, but this is so much more worth every minute that it took to get here.

"well, i just don't do that....."

blog about adoption, that is.


that's my typical response about why never address my feelings about adoption in a forum where i just have to say what i feel and let it stand on it's own. normally, i save all of my shout outs for facebook. i have backup over there. i say, "bastard!" and i have hundreds of adoptees on my page lined up and ready to scream it even louder.


i love free speech and all, but what's really freeing about that? i'm not sure anything is, but i'm also certain it's not a waste of my time or effort. the enlightenment factor alone has been really gratifying. i'm stunned by the amount of people who didn't see adoption as the for-profit business that it is.


someone recently made a statement to me about whether or not this was my purpose on earth, and i think it's one of many. it just seems time to me to take it in a new direction and focus on healing and moving to the next place. i don't think i will ever stop wanting to help educate, or at least offer another viewpoint, but right now, it feels like i'm in a place emotionally where there has the potential for personal growth that i haven't felt in a very long time where this subject is concerned.


oh, i think i like this.....

how interesting....

kelly and her crew just left after visiting for a few days. i made some random observations that i'd like to share....

1. i didn't freak out that stuff was out of place while they were here.

2. being off schedule wasn't that big of a deal.

3. going with the kid's flow was fine, as it always has been.

but then i noticed......

4. the moment i saw them off, i had to get my house in perfect order.

5. i wanted to profess my undying love to my vacuum cleaner.

6. as much as i THOUGHT my house was child proofed....zzzzz. wrong.

.

.

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so i'm really left wondering why i've thought my whole life that i only existed to have children. how did this happen? how do i not have children?? i'm really stunned, to be honest.

now here i am, 41, no kids. i'm shocked. as we're all aware, i am absolutely opposed to adoption (except foster to adopt), sperm donor pregnancies and surrogacy. i'm also opposed to my being a single mother. i don't want that for me, or for any child of mine.

so i wonder.....is it because i have no idea what it's like to live in a house with someone i'm related to, and the idea of that is so foreign and odd to me, did i somehow set myself up for single hood? because for me, that definitely means no children. and not having kids is the easy way out of the very scary idea of living in a house with a relative.

.

i don't know how to live with a person related to me. it's weird just being with my sister for a visit because we do everything alike. no one in my family is anything like me. I'm not like any of them. genetics are weird. a huge part of me loves being so much like Tracy, and a huge part of me is completely freaked out by it.

there was a time back in the 90's when i left my relationship entirely with my sister. we went for 8 years without talking (my choice), because i didn't know what to do with someone so much like me. the pressure to understand being so similar was too weird. it was definitely pressure i put on myself, but it was still there.

.

after the rift, Tracy came to see me in Atlanta. she got off the plane and we were wearing the same sweater, same jeans, same shoes, same belt, had the same purse. the next morning, i walked out of the bathroom and she walked out of the bedroom and we were dressed alike again. we also had the same curling iron, same hair brush, same blow dryer.

.

wth is THAT? i didn't understand it then and i don't understand it now. it's weird, and it spooks me out. I'm not sure i can live with someone I'm related to. i think i would be on permanent high alert. if anything happened to them, i would die on the spot.

.

losing my first mother was devastating. but now it's a choice whether i decide to live with someone I'm related to and take the risk of losing them. the risk always outweighs the gain for me when it comes to relationships. i don't think i can do that magnitude of loss again.

ack.

i've come to the conclusion that my doctor is on crack.

over the weekend, i had another seizure of unknown origin while i was on the tread mill. fell, hit my head, ruptured my eardrum and broke my jaw. my doctor's answer to all of this?

"get a walker."

oh, snap.

i'm wondering if this is borderline sad. i live in florida, it's 90 degrees out and my christmas tree is already up.

the perfect man

my neighbor's dog, bonsai

the dating world

wow. how could i have forgotten it was THIS bad?????? good grief!

and if one more "child" tells me how elderly i am, i shall be kicking said child's arse. 40 is hardly old. unless you're 20.